fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
