My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
