He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
