You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
