Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
