I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
