My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
