How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
