You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize