I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
