So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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