She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize