if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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