I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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