Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
