Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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