maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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