mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
