Screwed.edu
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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