Having a random hookup so left but love u
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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