even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
