we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
