Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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