So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
