The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
