Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
