i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
