Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
The best revenge is premature balding
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
false alarm, still single
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
