I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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