I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
