you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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