dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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