i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
