i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
