just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
