I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
