I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
