I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
