I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
