I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
