Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
