ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
