I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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