apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
