Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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