It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
