my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm always down for nudity.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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