if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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