We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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