If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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