Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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