I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He passed out mid-signature
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
