This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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