My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
