So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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