I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize