One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
