I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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