my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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