He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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