Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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