mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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