my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
