I cut my penus on the lid.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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