Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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